I'm going as the Morton Salt Girl. I've the yellow slicker and all.
Oh right. It's nearing that time of year where dressing up in costume is not only acceptable, but expected. Where begging for candy is what-is-done, even though you never really get anything good, and besides - make sure the wrapper's not torn or oddly warped, you don't know what those strangers have done to it!
Halloween was never big in my family, and I never cottoned to it as an adult (eek, is that what I am now?). I've never had the time nor the inclination to come up with a good costume, and have lived in apartment buildings where children apparently don't go knocking on strangers' doors (although I wouldn't mind a Girl Scout when it's cookie season).
But this year, alas, I've been forced into coming up with something more than just doctor (hi, I have a white coat, with my name embroidered on it, that is just collecting dust in the closet), or a professor (so easy with a tweed blazer and the right glasses), or something else that similarly can be termed a cop-out.
So, in an absolute fit of genius (or procrastination, perhaps), I thought I'd be Rainbow Brite! I mean, how cute is that? And it wouldn't be a very hard costume - all I'd really need would be a blue dress/tank-top-and-skirt-combo and some rainbow-striped legwarmers/armwarmers. I mean, those are easily found, right?
Sure, I got the tank top and skirt easily enough (even though they were vastly overpriced for what they were). But the rainbow-striped legwarmers! I was stymied! Stores that you'd expect to carry such things didn't. (Surprisingly, whenever I brought up I was looking for rainbow legwarmers, people immediately were all, "You're going to be Rainbow Brite?" That's not the first association I make with rainbow legwarmers. Ask me, and I'm more inclined to be like, "Whatthefuck, you're going as a badly-dressed person from the 80s?")
So I went online. And hooboy, there are some people out there who like Rainbow Brite a little too much. But to my surprise - guess what? You can be slutty Rainbow Brite!
Now, really. I understand if you want to be something particuarly slutty on Halloween - apparently, Halloween is a free pass to let your inner skank out. For instance, there is the ever-popular Playboy Bunny.
Now, that I understand, and props to you for dressing up like that. When I'm in public, I generally like to wear more than just a leotard (unless I'm on the beach, but that's a different matter), but if you have the body and the inclination, I say, go for it.
But I must draw the line at cartoon characters. They're supposed to be CUTE, not SLUTTY.
I mean, Strawberry Shortcake reimagined as some sort of gingham pinup wonder (with really ugly shoes)? No. Strawberry Shortcake, and Rainbow Brite - and heaven forbid, Care Bears...
That's right, that's a Care Bear. Prostitute Bear is more like it.
Sure, you can be flirty cute, as I probably would've been had I been able to find rainbow legwarmers. I mean, I'm not going to go around in a paper bag or anything (and I'm not a prude, really) and the skirt I found might have been a wee bit short (but nothing approximating crotch-height) - but I just wasn't going to be the prostitute version of what should remain as pure and innocent childhood memories.
But Dorothy, you know that that was all just an allegory for a skank looking for money. Especially in those shoes - do you really think she went tripping down a yellow brick road in those things?