There oughta be a large enough ditch somewhere.
I was in a rather benevolent mood yesterday - or rather, obviously I wasn't thinking straight because the 14 hours of drinking the previous day impaired my cognitive processes (yes - 14 hours. Starting at 10am. Blame the kickball tournament and the fact that even though there's a no-alcohol policy? Every person on our team showed up with booze for all) - for I decided to accept shithead's invitation to get coffee. That, and I did feel sort of bad because since he moved here 4 months ago, I've blown him off every single time he's invited me out.
I should not have felt bad.
For wasn't it a pleasant surprise when he told me that he'd had brunch several times with fuckhead. I WANTED TO PUNCH HIM IN HIS SMUG FACE, but instead, merely lifted an eyebrow and said, "How nice. I saw his mother a couple months ago. And how do you even know him?" Because I remember the one and only time they met. I was there. It was five years ago, and shithead - honest-to-God - challenged fuckhead to A HEIGHT CONTEST because obviously they couldn't just whip out their dicks in public and be done with it already. I believe I was drinking really hard at that point at the other end of the room, giving them both dirty looks.
Anyway, point of that is that THEY WERE NOT FRIENDS at any point, and had met each other ONCE when they both behaved like idiots. And then shithead called fuckhead (must've gotten his number from another mutual friend) when he moved out here. What sort of asshat calls up his ex's ex to hang out?
Did I mention that they both live in my apartment complex? Right. Because there is that FUN tidbit too.
So I don't know how, and I don't know why shithead called fuckhead to hang out, but I don't think I can think about it anymore, although I have been thinking about it too much, because HI WOULDN'T YOU BE THINKING OF ALL THE HORRIBLE THINGS TWO OF YOUR EXES COULD BE DISCUSSING?
Although, Fake Boyfriend (who also told me, "I wanted to talk to a girl and you weren't around, so I fell asleep in the Commons", which might be the most delightfully absurd statement I've heard in awhile) did tell me to remember that the two have nothing in common besides yours truly, and that I really should be proud of myself for allowing two assholes to find each other company. Or something along those lines. I can't really remember as I was still dwelling on all the horrible things they could've talked about.
So I'm looking for a ditch. Because wouldn't it be nice if there were a ditch somewhere where you could discard ex-boyfriends so that they don't go around running amock? They do have tar pits around LA, so maybe that'll work in a pinch.