How to win at pool.
1) Suck. Suck a LOT at pool.
2) No, you don't suck enough. Believe me. Suck so much that your partner, who otherwise believes you're capable at life, even begins to believe you suck.
3) Suck A LOT.
4) Suck so badly that your partner will tell you to do blah-de-blah (ie, aim for the 4 solid and smack it in the hole because guess what? It's teetering on the edge of toppling in and only a SHITTY pool player would miss it.)
5) You ARE a shitty pool player. And guess what? YOU MISS IT. MISS that and MANY MANY MANY other shots.
6) You suck SO MUCH that when you make the cue ball hit another ball, it's cause for celebration!!!! (Even if the ball isn't yours or the other ball moves all of one centimeter.)
7) Suck so much that even when a shot is a gimme, you mess it up because, um, you manage to hit the opposing team's ball into the pocket.
8) Do this successfully many MANY times in row to the point that your partner? GIVES UP ON YOU COMPLETELY and just says, "Do whatever you can".
9) Sadly, "whatever you can" is not much at all. And it also a) involves you scratching; b) involves you hitting [AGAIN] the other team's ball into a pocket; or c) doesn't really involve you at all, yet somehow manages to impinge on your drinking because you realise that lots and lots of vodka really doesn't make you an even half-way decent pool player.
10) YET!!! Yet!!!! Manage to end up playing pool for FOUR FUCKING HOURS (in other words, about 1000% times your attention span) because ALL OTHER TEAMS MANAGE TO SCRATCH OR HIT THE EIGHT BALL INTO A POCKET.
THAT'S RIGHT. That makes you a WINNER (even if by default) at pool. Damn straight.