I'm one big aloe-covered slimeball.
Alternate title: In which I write about the wretched day yesterday was, because goshdarnit, it merits a little whining.
Now, what you might not know about me (but could probably be able to surmise) is that I am a very good sleeper. I love sleeping. It's not that I'm a narcoleptic, or am exceptionally lazy - just, given a dearth of things to do, I will sleep. This phenomenon usually manifests itself when I'm not commanding a moving vehicle. Put me in the back seat of a car and I will pass out like that, even though I've gotten a full night of sleep the night before. I can sleep on airplanes, which is why I usually take the red eye when flying to the East coast. And I am generally a sound sleeper too, to the great consternation of my college roommates, as I'd sleep through ringing phones at 4am that were usually for me. I've slept through some mild earthquakes too. Perhaps this is why I enjoy my bed so. Sleeping is fun, goshdarnit, and when I put my mind to it I do things well.
But woe be to that person who WAKES ME UP when it is NOT an emergency. As can be predicted, I will be very grumpy. In that sense, I'm very much like a 3-year-old child (or a puppy). All I want to do is eat, play, and sleep. It doesn't really get any more complicated than that.
And thus, I took the red-eye back to Boston Tuesday night, planning on sleeping the entire time. Why not? Every other time I've done it it works. I get a rather decent night's sleep, and am ready to go the next day.
First of all, our plane took off NINETY minutes late, because they needed fuel, and then the tanks got overfueled, so they needed to balance the plane out or crap like that. That wouldn't have bothered me so much, as I normally would've fallen asleep, were it not for the fact that next to me was this over-cologned annoying man (who we will call Jerkface, because I am mature like that) who was on his cell phone talking to his ladyfriend the entire time. How do I know it was his ladyfriend? The conversation went along the lines of this:
Jerkface: MmHHHM. MmHHHM. Those thigh-high stockings look good on you, baby.
[pause, presumably while his ladyfriend continues along this horrible suggestive topic]
Jerkface: MMhhhm. MmHHHM. And those knee-high boots too. Our neighbours in the hotel will need to change rooms, we'll be so loud. MmHHHM.
[pause, WAAAAAHHHH please make him shut up!]
Jerkface: MmHHHM MMMMhmmm Mile-high club.
[I stopped listening, but whose ears don't perk up when the mile-high club is mentioned? But with this guy? EW. I don't know how he can fit in the bathroom stall, he's so big, freaking armrest hog.]
Jerkface: MmHHM MMMhmmm MMMMhmmmm.
Yes, a good 80% of the time he said either "MmHHHHM" or "MMMMhmmm" in this really annoying tone of voice that made me want to punch him. Needless to say, I could NOT fall asleep, even me, with my superpower skills of sleeping. And this kept going, for those entire NINETY minutes that we were stuck there. To top things off, he started to eat a tuna fish sandwich. I am generally not against tuna fish sandwiches, but they SMELL in confined spaces.
Finally, the plane took off, and he - blissfully - had to stop talking. And so I fell into peaceful slumber.
UNTIL THE JERKFACE POKED ME TO WAKE ME UP SO THAT HE COULD USE THE BATHROOM.
Was he stupid? Did he want to lose a limb - or a more precious part of him? And so I grunted and barely moved out of the way. Usually I am more gracious, but this guy had annoyed me so much already. Then just as I was about to fall asleep again, the flight attendant came over.
Flight attendant: Who's sitting next to you?
My inner monologue: Some obnoxious fat man who smells bad.
Me: Some guy.
Flight attendant: Um, did he seem okay to you?
Flight attendant: Is he saying anything inappropriate to you, or acting inappropriately towards you?
My inner monologue: Well, aside from me knowing too much about his sex life now...
Me: No, not that I know of.
Flight attendant: Okay.
And then she walked away. If I had been more awake, I'd have asked her - What in the HELL was that all about? Dammit. And then I saw her talking to Jerkface as he got out of the bathroom, and too bad I was too far away to hear anything. And then he came back and rehogged the armrest.
So I fell asleep again - or tried to, at least. Unfortunately, Jerkface sounds like an extremely loud pug when he sleeps, all scharfling and grumbling and snorting. LOUD. IN MY EAR. That did NOT help me sleep at all. I feel SO sorry for his ladyfriend who has to put up with those obnoxious night time sounds.
And then we had to make an stop in Syracuse due to a medical emergency. This didn't bother me so much as the fact that this woke Jerkface up, and even worse, the chirpy lady next to him, and they started talking. The conversation went along the lines of this:
Chirpy lady: Chirp chirp chirp chirp.
Jerkface: MmHHHHM MMMMMHmmm MMMMMhmmmm.
Chirpy lady: Chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp?
Jerkface: MMMMhhmmm MMMMhhmmm MmmHHHHHHHMM.
You get the idea. This grand annoyance was only compounded by the fact that they were both being complaining assholes - it's an emergency, it's not as though the woman wanted to feel the onset of a stroke. And they kept this up all the way until Boston, DISTURBING MY SLEEP, especially when they kept getting up to use the restroom.
My only gratification is that my carry-on accidentally rolled over Jerkface's foot as I was trying to exit the aircraft.
In case you were wondering, my flight was three hours late.
To further compound on a shitty day:
1) There were FLOOD WARNINGS in Boston.
1a) All my closed toed shoes, save my tennis shoes and one pair of pink heels, are at home because I mistakenly thought that July equaled sun.
2) The earpiece for my phone died, which is the greatest travesty of all because I can't hear squat without the earpiece. This makes talking on the phone very very hard.
3) My car decided to work just long enough to bring me to work to pick up papers. Then it decided to die outside of the office.
3a) I got the same guy from AAA who changed my flat last month. He probably thinks I'm an idiot.
4) My roommate decided to show my room WITHOUT giving me advance notice.
4a) He then cancelled because I expressed my displeasure, but the guy showed up anyway, and my roommate is one big chicken shit because he hid in his bathroom to pretend that he wasn't there while I had to show the apartment.
4b) I had just done my laundry and my underwear was hanging, in full display, in the living room where it was drying.
4c) While we're on the subject of matters involving my roommate, I was gone for an entire week, and he didn't empty the dishwasher. I even ran it before I left. I am so glad I'm living alone again.
WHAT FUN. After that I went to my friend's apartment and played with her pretty golden lab, and then everything was okay.